Thursday, December 31, 2009

Battle of the Sexes

Sure, you thought you already knew the different between a girl and a guy. But now I have conculsive proof! After countless hours of talking with my guy friends ( I have a lot of them I hang out with/ and also a lot of my girl friends) I have come up with the top 20 difference between us and MEN !!

First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Anita were dating on a semi-regular basis."
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup -- at 3 am early on a Sunday morning -- he will call and say "I just wanted you to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely prove effective.

Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults.
Most 17-year-old males are still trading cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of "The Great Indian Laughter Challenge" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited - they will laugh uproariously.
The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch.
Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's." It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things.
A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half of a lemon, and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.

When a man says he's ready to go out, it means he's ready to go out.
When a woman says she's ready to go out, it means that she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her makeup...And men will never understand this, but all this pain is only for them.

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When she arrives at work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk.
A man wears one pair of shoes for the entire day.

9. CATS:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters,

Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for an expensive foreign sports car.

If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.

Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. A man will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there," and, "I know I'm in the neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store."

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.
The last man who admitted that he was wrong was General George Custer. And no one knows who he is.

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail...
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by men.
The only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget to do political things such as voting.
Women are very happy that another generation of hot Congress leader is growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. Not in abstract terms, either. They're graphic and technical, and they *never* lie.

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the "ceremony."
Men talk about "the bachelor party."

20. TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of mens toys: miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots the serve cocktails on command, video games, and anything that blinks, beeps and requires at least six "D" batteries to operate.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Dear December... With love, yours forever

Dear December,
I am closing another year. And there is this whole urge in me to write something. But when you write something that is so close to your heart, people get to know what you are feeling at that point in time. When people know what you are feeling, they think you have suddenly become predictable. And predictable = vulnerable. And Vulnerable is not a good sign of a winner. Being a winner is important to me. But then again, this needs to be told. For if I don’t say it, these thoughts will remain in my heart. And then they will form into big word clots. And word clots kill people slowly, they are unlike the blood clots, wherein a person gets a heart-attack and it’s done! So since the words are at the end of my finger tips, I am going to blog on.

A quick conversation with a dear friend of mine led into this letter to you taking shape.
Friend : Dishudi ( as she fondly calls me ! ) .. I need someone to tell me how much he loves me ( ofcourse my friend is a girl. Guys and I will never have this conversation )

Disha : I know ! its almost as though they stopped producing my type : Bald, Handsome, smart, Funny, Witty, Ambitious and GUJARATI.

Friend : I know, whats happened to our community gene. What’s going wrong ??

Disha : I know what you mean. I have had 4 people who asked me out in November, none with all criteria. I mean if one has to remove any criteria, he can – with the exception of Gujarati.
( It will be ironic, if after publishing this I have to do pheras with a non-gujju !! ) however

Friend : I like all castes – he just needs to want me as much as I want him.

Disha : My friend, then you don’t want a guy, you want a woman. Hhahhaha . What happened to that guy you were talking about.
( We have talked about so many guys. So when I say, what happened to that guy, she knows I am talking about the latest one ; P )

Friend : Oh, it was useless. He didn’t even kiss me, and it was almost as though all my efforts to dress up that night went down the drain !! He pisses me off with his indecisiveness Dish !!

Disha : Oh acha ! ( Only some kind of joke would make my friend feel better at this point in time. ) My dear, I think we should number them. But that would be just plain boring. Lets call him your December.

Friend : Hahaha , Your December. You are funny Dish ! I know

Disha : If you had 2 in December, I would say what happened to December 1st week.

Friend : Disha, I am not that lucky. We are talking about the guy, who is = November. Where is my December ??

Which makes me wonder, Where is my December?? Shouldn’t he be here by now. I mean, I know it’s all mean and all, but he should be here. Its soon going to be 31st. Where every other person if going to ask me who I am going to be with on New Years eve. So irritating. The side effect of growing older is that everyone assumes you are either married, engaged, have a boy friend or almost going to have one. There is nothing called Single. So much so, that an offensive junior of mine asked me, why are you alone with your girl friend watching a movie !! I mean, this is how difficult it is Mr December. Get here now !! January is on its way. You will have only 2 weeks of Disha. Or even better, if Disha likes you and all goes well, December will for the first time see Jan, Feb, March etc. But for that December, you need to magically appear right now !!

Waiting for your early home coming – Love, Yours now and forever.


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