Tuesday, September 21, 2010
It starts with heart-ache. Mind you – this is different than heart-attack. The similarity one may argue is that they are both caused my lifestyles. But when Heart-attack happens everything happens all of a sudden. There is shooting pain, followed by you collapsing on the ground and you need to be rushed in the hospital. One very painful – but almost always successful operation later you are fit as a fiddle. You make the necessary changes prescribed by your doctor – and you are up and running.
Are you DEPRESSED ? How would you know you are ? It's when your heart aches – it’s a slow deathly process. It starts with a fight with someone near and dear – and with increasing frequency, it leads you to fight more and more. Until it balloons into something huge and out of proportion. The thoughts no longer find their words. The words often come out wrong. The wrongs become the further point of argument. And that’s it. What started as a war or words becomes a world war in your mind. Your nerves tense up each time and you feel like first punching into the wall and then the person itself. Then the thought of hurting the person you love immediately sends you into a fury and you feel like doing something DRASTIC. Something bigger than what you are already feeling. Something to hurt yourself so much - so that you no longer have to blame your opposition. Something that will reduce the pain of your heart-ache. This is called DEPRESSION !!!
Depression is a self destructing MODE that you go in. This MODE makes the world from under your feet collapse. It reduces you to crying and hurting yourself every moment of your life. You feel like giving up. Your happy self becomes a crying, crappy feeling. People no longer want to be around you. Those you thought are you near and dear ones start quitting on you. This will make you feel like you are spiralling at whirlwind speed. Downwards... until you feel the ground itself is a bottomless pit. You will feel like trying to cling onto people... and you will also feel that they are letting you go. This is the lowest of all low points in your life. For you thought they are going to stand by you. They are going to be the ones who would be helping you out. BUT YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF ALONE.
DEPRESSION is a DISEASE – and it will kill you. Find your solace in things that are self made.
My biggest vent is GOD. He will listen. He will guide you freely. Forgive you easily. But the point is – have you forgiven yourself first ?
Everyone will say take up a hobby – mine I thought was colouring and painting. But when you feel depression your life loses its colour. You will hate the very thing you loved so much. I was a writer – on love and sunshine. Brighter things in life – I covered my blog with Socialist messages. I was in denial mode. But today I accept – I am DEPRESSED.
But today is the beginning. I am going to actively do something about Fighting this !! No longer clinging onto people. No more unhappy days. I am going to go back to the days when I was the centre of any party. When people qued up to meet me. When I thought I looked beautiful in my own little way. When I had time for everything. When I gave myself priority. To be very honest I am sick of crying and wailing. It’s time to MOVE into A HAPPY SPACE. I deserve to be HAPPY ! I want my SUNSHINE Back.