Monday, February 15, 2016
I have always mainted, I am the quintessential city girl who
loves her hustle and bustle. I find that almost meditative ! I love the steaming
streets-side food stalls, I love backpackers shanties as much as I love those
ultra modern beach bars serving fancy over priced cocktails. I love my street
side shopping and bargaining as much as I love walking into that open air mall
only a tourist place can offer ! Koh Samui is everything that I love and more.
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
Like any other urban Indian student, Republic Day for me was like any other National Holiday. No school, Sleeping in till late and then hearing my father’s story about his time as a Sea-Cadet. The March past in New Delhi that he almost made to and how his friend lost the concessions form of the Railways and how he missed his chance to attend this prestigious moment of his life. My husband Kunal on the other hand, like any other geeky teenager sat glued to the television. Watched the Parade live on Doordarshan and marveled on India’s military prowess.
I often say this, We are destiny’s Children. The astrological powers in our kundli had our fates written. A Friend’s father Is the current Minister of Law and Justice of India, the honorable Shri D. V. Sadanand Gowda. He has handled various portfolios, including the Chief Minister of Karnataka and the Ministry of Railways. He was so kind enough to extend us an invitation to witness the 67th Republic Day Parade In New Delhi ! Oh what an absolute Honour it was. Kunal and I were elated. We sent our ID’s 2 weeks prior to the parade for our security clearance. Tickets were booked and our best suits were pressed for THE-DAY !
We reached a day PRIOR and for the first time I understood what a mission it is to live in Delhi ! The high security alerts at the airport, The multiple check-nakas to be passed before you get out into the city. The roads all marked off. The 5 km Radius near India Gate was curfewed out by mid-night. The national capital, particularly the Central and New Delhi areas, were brought under unprecedented security blanket as thousands of personnel kept a hawk-eye vigil to thwart any untoward incident. There were intelligence inputs that terror groups may target some important installations in the city.
We were to meet at the ministers residence at sharp 7am. The following morning it took us a little under an hour of circling at the Tyag-Raj Marg to understand that we will not be able to enter the area – let alone the minister’s residence without the required pass. A massive ground-to-air security apparatus was put in place in the national capital. Commandos with light machine guns were deployed at 10 strategic locations and anti-aircraft guns remained positioned at vantage points in the capital. The entire region of Central and New Delhi had nearly 50,000 security personnel drawn from Delhi Police and central security forces guarding every nook and corner. Under this situation we stood in 7 degree temperature on a big round about and made a few calls. Mr. Shetty, our Minister’s P.A. was kind enough to come on a long morning walk in his best suit to come give us our pass and allow us to enter the road leading to his residence.
We were greeted so warmly by this humble man. Mr Gowda reminisced about his days with the BJP party and his trials and tribulations to get to where he is today over tea and snacks. The day took on its course then..IT started with a flag hoisting ceremony at his residence after which I took my first ride in a LAL-BATTI walli car. I was absolutely elated ! It was the first time I understood that POWER is different from MONEY. We were a part of the 4 car convoy on our way to the saluting gallery.
We went through the necessary security protocol and were shown to our seats. We were a party of a thousand people who were there to watch the nation’s pride. Slogans of Bharat Mata Ki Jai … Vande Mantram made the crowds swell with pride.
French President Francois Hollande was among the guests of Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi invited to view the spectacle of the parade held in New Delhi, filled with marching bands, floats, camels, military hardware, and stunt performers. French soldiers also took part in the parade. It is thought to be the first time a foreign army contingent has participated in India's celebrations.
Colourful floats from various Indian states, traditional dances, and gymnastics by children were also part of the event.A Dog squad of India’s paramilitary units also participated for the very first time !
A total of 23 tableaux were on display at the ceremonial parade with 17 of them belonging to various states and Union Territories. The tableau of Gujarat depicted rare and exotic varieties along with the Sidi community settled in the Gir forest, performing their traditional dance.
The heart throb of the event was the Indian Aviation’s gallant display. A breath-taking ‘Trishul’ formation comprising three Su-30 MKI of No. 24 Squadron flew over the Rajpath. Trailing them was the ‘Globe formation’ comprising one C-17 Globemaster flanked by two Su-30s, followed by the fighters, where five Jaguars flew in Arrowhead formation, another five MiG-29 Air Superiority Fighters called the ‘Tridents’ flew in Fulcrum style.
The end of the parade was marked by a single Su-30MKI fighter pulling up vertically in front of the reviewing stand while carrying out so-called vertical Charlie rolls. I can still close my eyes and experience its vibrations in my heart.
Like all good things, the Republic Day Parade was all but 90 minutes. The sun came out a few times but the clouds kept us chilled but enough for us to enjoy the spectacle. The Afternoon ended with a hearty Indian Meal and a promise to play catch up of the parade every year even if we do not get these life changing experiences. The Invite to the event now is kept in a straight format with all the other important household papers and is something I am going to cherish for a long time !!
Thursday, January 7, 2016
I have commemorated every life event with a post on my blog… and to not write something so dear to my heart would have been not honoring those two little souls that were Kunal and my everything for the last 4 months. Superstition has it in India that you do not announce the onset of pregnancy in fear that someone will cast an evil eye on you. So after treading the fine line between telling lies and slowly revealing to the inner circle about us being pregnant we had finally officially hit the 3 month mark where we could happily tell of our little secret to others. Oh what a happy time it was. Everything baby related just springs everyone’s attention including your Facebook timeline which thanks to the cookies on your electronic devices knows that you are pregnant. Advertisements from Stem Sell Banking to Baby Center offering a million dos and donts.
Despite eating the vitamins on time to avoiding Chinese Food… On Wednesday night Kunal lightly rubbed my belly for I was feeling so uneasy. It was the first time in my 18 weeks of pregnancy did I feel this discomfort. Maybe I was tired… could it have been that short walk from Starbucks to the car that has made me this tired ? Could it have been those maternity jeans that were tightening around my growing belly ? I couldn’t tell. These cramps that I had never before experienced just grew stronger and by Thursday morning I was going into full swing labour. To add to this, my water sac was lurching down. But call it prescense of mind or a twisted tale of fate… I reached the hospital before my water broke ! Miraculous… said the doctor. And put me on an operating table where they pushed my babies and the water sac upwards in what was called a complicated procedure which went on for 2 hours and 45 minutes. That day post the Cervix stitch, I was recovering well. I had paused all hopes and dreams for that one day which all came swinging back. HURDLES … I told myself… Kunal and I said silent prayers !
But they did not reach so much in time to our god… he gave me strength, but to what end ? On Friday evening I went into labour again. This time it was worse. The cramps started 15 minutes apart and started at 11 pm. They went on right through the night… well into the day… till I was told what I was silently pushing aside as cramps was labour pains… they got worse by around 6pm. They were 3 minutes apart and lasted 15 seconds each time… after which I lost count … more like I lost faith..
The doctor came in at 8pm to check me… but I had just bad news coming my way.. My water had broken… and now it was inevitable. My uterus was weak and couldn’t take the pressure and thus I was going into labour with the burgeoning of a twin pregnancy. But I had to ask one last question… lets try save one ? I asked… but this was not going to be possible either… And there I was, Sitting in a maternity gown on the cold steal of a hospital stretcher outside the operation theatre saying my last good bye to my darling husband who held my hand. He reassured me all was going to be okay.. !!
OKAY ? How does one see these amazing colourful dreams, think about what kind of parent one is going to be ? Think about all the values that are important and how to impart them to your offspring ? Think about all those birthday parties and school admission and play dates in your head all becoming a blurr and be OKAY ?
What happened next is a scene I will never forget… Waiting for the aesthetician to come in. Going into the operation room finally after 24 hours of being in labour. Getting the epidural shot… feeling that from the last of your toe nail to your head.. that white clock on the wall to my right showing 11 pm and being told by the doctor that it will last another 2-3 hours until I was fully dialated… that conversation with god for mercy… for not allowing this to go on any further… that ray of hope at 11 20 when I pushed and delivered FOESTUS A… that second push at 11 25 to deliver FOESTUS B…Pushing your tiny souls out of your uterus into this world they will never see… There was no cries of joy… there was no oh it’s a girl… it’s a boy… I had two of those… the room went silent. Their little bodies so tiny, they fit into the kidney shaped tray meant for surgical tools ! They were too small to survive the weight of the world. And what was worse, I, their mother, couldn’t do anything to save them.
To sit there crying on the table while the world just goes back to doing their job. The nurse pushing the drugs through the IV. The cleaning lady sweeping the rags from the floor. The doctor carrying my little babies out and away from me. They didn’t let me hold them… the trauma they say is something you never get over. The 4D scan from just a few days ago will never be cross referenced. The little ones were tied together into a white cloth and would have a burial the next day. They say you cant cremate them accordingly to the Hindu last rites. They meet their maker buried in a mix cemetery.
My father held my babies in his hand from the hospital to the cemetery the next morning. Each one took their turns to pay their last respects and that was the last of them. Now they remain as Foetus A and Foetus B in the bunch of medical reports along with a hospital discharge card … Mis-Carriage !
How easily it was written by the reception staff at the hospital. Once back home we had an array of visitors. Messages poured in from far and wide… some expected, some unexpected. Some sypamthetic and others just a simple line saying they are sorry. Days have gone by.. precisely 40. The tears have dried up.
"Believe there is a great power silently working all things for good."- Beatrix Potter
Today, I can truthfully say I'm happy. Happier than I've been in the last 40 days. Which may seem unusual coming from someone who just experienced a loss. I've had friends comment on how well I seem to be doing, questioning how I remain so positive? I don't have a logical answer, except for this: I believe that our baby is coming. Next month, next year, next decade - the when doesn't matter anymore. How do I know? Through intuition, dreams, and inner dialogues with our child - all things that cannot be scientifically explained or rationalized. I just have an undeniable, unshakable belief.
"As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit" - Emmanuel Teney
And I understand that this will be a part of my story, even if it's the very first chapter of a long dramatic novel. No matter what the outcome, these struggles are defining my character, strengthening my resilience, growing my compassion and shaping me into the person I need to become.
"Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. In the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul". – Max Ehrmann
Please know, I didn't write this post for sympathy. More than anything, I wrote it to reach out to other women dealing with Miscarriage. Quite a few of you, more than any of us may think, are going through similar trials and emotions. Everyday I hear an aunt or my friends talk about their miscarriage, I was surprised by the number of couples who have gone through this painful loss. My friend and her husband went to a seminar to educate themselves about what they were up against - the auditorium was packed, standing room only.
So loves, if you think this is the end to start a family, whether you've been trying for a year, or five, I want you to know that you're not alone. I hold my hand out to you, so we may walk this path together.
FOETUS A : 244 gms, A baby boy… My little Nandi
FOESTUS B : 252 gms, A baby girl… My little Sacha