I have never really understood the reason why chat rooms existed. How people find their soul-mates over the internet, until I thought i found mine. A quick introduction by a common friend and I found myself waiting hours on end for a quick chat about life, philsophy and love. The days started with Good Mornings, the afternoons with, so what did you eat ? And nights, oh the nights were about inspirations, ambitions and past love lives.
The window i was staring at has a heart, has a mind and has an opinion. This is what I loved the most about it. So whether I was angry or I was sad, there was always someone who was there to listen to how I felt. And even better, the MSN window had a gender, it was a boy. When the question about perspectives came into the picture, I had mine at the click of a button- whether it was about what should I say to him? or how do you think he will react ! This msn window had a boy's perpectives.
But such happy arrangements never last long. And although I was increasingly looking at him as a prospective love target - he had everything I ever wanted in my man- Smart,Funny, Leadership material, sensitive (sometimes a little too much), increasingly ambitious, Caring, bald and a little tummie ---- He had one big flaw - he would never like me ! I was not his type. Now even though I have said this a little over a dozen times to other people, my medicine tasted BITTER to the R when tested on me. And this very feeling made him want MORE.
And the fact that I couldnt have him for some weird reason made me want him EVEN MORE ! Call me competitve, but this drove me to the bottom of my bottomless pit. The more I spoke to him, the more I felt as if I was drowning. I tried to hold onto a few things that came my way to strive to keep my head up, but everything as it seemed was dorwning with me. I was loosing my mind over the whole situatuion. And the worst feeling is to not talk about this to anyone - and act as if everything is hunky dory in your life when it isnt for God's Sake. I had to do something. But from when and where I realised it was too late. I said God's Sake to myself so many times, that somehow GOD actually heard me for MY SAKE and transported me to HELL - yes this is where I belong !!!
After having drowned in LOVE and gone to hell I realised it wasnt worth it - the whole I love him, but he doesn't even have an inkling frinking clue about it. In hell I met my past lovers --- PERFECTO !!!! ... most of whom were laughing loud like vampires - I wasn't surprised. I am being honest to GOD. Now, I am not boasting, but I did brake a dozen hearts uptil I was 20, when for the first time some guy from far far away broke my heart.
It was just about the same time when Rihanna first shot to fame with her song - UNFAITHFUL. And although I wasn't unfaithful, in many ways telling them lies about my whereabouts and what I was doing to avoid difficult conversations made me feel as if I were. I had and still to this date face the issue relating to Commitment. Those of my friends in LOVE - often tell me, when you come across the right person, these issues will never even cross my mind. But from where I was standing at at the moment I could sing along with Rihanna and actually feel every word of that song,
" I dont want to do this anymore
I dont want to be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I dont want to hurt him anymore
I dont want to take away his life
I dont want to be a murderer"
AND I was singing this in HELL... Now what did hell look like ? It was a small, very small room... with everyone who I never wanted to NOT have difficult conversations with, in it, with very tall, tall ceilings...The ceilings echoed. And I was singing loud. My voice filled the empty dome above. I was the entertainment special for that night. The room was filled with those dozen guys and my singing resonated ! The walls were closing in on me and I was scared... From somewhere GOD came to my rescue. He did his thing - of granting people of their 3 wishes. And I got my share in the nick of time.
He granted me 3 wishes...
I thought for a while, and I pronounced them unto him.
1. Oh GOD, Make my concience clear. I dont want to live in the world/ hell or heaven with the guilt of the past boy friends in me ! And althought it may seem as though I was wrong from my point of view - I swear to my living self in HELL, I never meant to do it purposefully and hurt them so much. If not you can send me to the HELL of HELL.
GOD : GRANTED my CHILD.
2. Oh GOD, I want everything stupid that I have ever done after having falling in love not follow me to my next life - My BAD KARMA should be erased and not haunt me.
GOD : Do some good karma, balance your life and I will erase it... For that I will send u back to the world. I was elated. Maybe this was the end of HELL for me... everything will be happily ever after. But wait a minute, why should I not just take advantage of the 3rd one. The greed in me took on.
3. Oh GOD, Please Never make me fall in LOVE again !!! And Erase my love for this MSN window out for good.
He smiled, looked at me and said
God : Child, that's not possible. It's only in your hands. GOSH ! If things were to be in my hands, I wouldnt be asking GOD for favours.... felt like screaming to god , DUHH
Anyway, by the time I would give it back to him, I found myself waiting for this window man who was comin to see me. It didnt help that he had a box of my favoirite choclates in his hand - FOR ME ? FOR ME !!!! Ok, maybe I loved the choclate more that time, than I think... lol.
But when he gave it to me, I think God did the 2nd part of my 3rd plea. I think magically he was able to wipe out the love for this now walking and talking live msn window in front of me. This was morning of my 1st day in the world with my new LIFE. DAY 1 passed without the slightest mention of him in my head or me feeling guilty having listened to Rihanna.
Towards the end of the night, when someone asked me, why do you have a box of choclates in your car, half open, and half finished, I realised I hadnt thought about the winbdow man. GOD was GREAT ! I logged into MSN, hoping to see him there. And he was there - I said to him, this was the first time any guy has given me choclates... and Pat came the reply, Oh ! how boring a boy friends you would have had.
This got me thinking. Maybe I was never worthy enough for gifts ? But oh no ! I did get a few gifts. But it was always about what they liked gifting. No one had put that thought into what I like being gifted. Not that the msn window thought either - it was just that morning we had spoken about chocolates and I happened to have mentioned my favorite ones !! I am not trying to disregard any gift or his gift ... all gifts made me so happy - for the joy of the gifting is in the surpirse and the thrill that comes with it. As I said, I had consumed half the big box of choclates against all will and conscience to keep away from fatty stuff (",)
But what I was thinking was will I never be worthy of someone's love? Cause I hope GOD has erased the gland that releases hormones that make u feel that you are in love, for good. Atleast right now I feel less vulnerable. Will never someone come and say I DO LOVE U D, ever? Time will tell... but yeh kambakht time hi nahi fast jata !!!