Sugar and Spice

Until yesterday, I picked my phone up, dialed a few handy numbers on my speed dial to give latest updates about my life and a bunch of other people's lives who I just happened to have bumped into at a club/bar/swimming pool/beach or hiding behind the last rack in the departmental store. GOSSIPPING ! But today the internet has a whole new direction. From the comfort of my bed, I can surf and find out which friend is doing what in any corner of the world. Such is the power of one tool called FACEBOOK ! I am stuck in my bed, im Down with a 3rd round of Chicken Pox. It gives me enough time on hand to check every friends wall, pictures, comments on other's walls, their blogs, their friends to infinity.

I am now 1/2 and hour into Facebook and already bored !The obsessiveness of some people is beyond my understanding. A few 1000 pictures, in every good looking location around the city, some even next to the Dosa Wala of Mithibai College. A few 1000 friends, whom they just happened to have met once or twice for a brief moment in time. Guys have found an easior way, give drinks to girls which are actually free but technically making us girls happy. Girls are now going virtual shopping, earning some points and buying Jimmy Choo or Blahniks (pictures)obviously. What I find even more amusing is the fact that people actually discuss these things over coffee/ bar. So now, even before a guy asks me for my phone number, he asks, Are you on Facebook ?? When did all the romance be diminished to this web-check ups.

Being down with chicken pox gave me enough time to open up a 134 mails that I hadn't bothered to group check and delete from my inbox.

Mail 1 : Entertainment company proudly brings Hard Kaur to Mumbai.
-Don't they have enough of her swearing already ?

Mail 2 : Do you want to Franship ?
-Who told him I would want to Do Franship. And even if i wanted to, what gives him the idea it would be Franship with him ?

Mail 3 : Bonjour Disha.... !
- My my host siblings in Belgium, the weather of cold, I miss you .... I miss them too. It was a year that makes me, ME !

Mail 4 : Beautiful Smaile !
- This one if from Chandigarh, this gentleman's biceps look like those hand floats little children wear when they first dip themselves in the Pool.

Mail 5 : I am 35 year old Male, Living in Middle East. Looking for friends.
- Why dont you go find yourself a 35 year old friend then !! Agreed I look older than most girls my age, but I surely dont look 35. Mails like these make me wonder how guys would be looking at me ? I speed dial my best friend."Do I look 35 to you ?"

Mail 6 : Hey gorgeous, this is my 14th mail. I wonder if you are ever going to reply to me?
- 14th ? Are you kidding. I checked my inbox for No 13, No 12, No 11. He was right ! This was indeed the 14th One.

I block checked every one of those useless mails from the 134 mails in my Inbox to find myself a list of 47 odd mails from cousins, friends, ex-boyfriends and wanting to be be boy-friend - Mr Spicy as I want to call him for the sake of this blog. Priority family first. Half way into the letter from my cousin in the US, I found myself thinking what would Mail 1, 2, 3 .... etc have to say to me ? Sorry cousin Rupali, I will get back to your mail. For as much as I want to hear how you spent your Valentine's Day of 2009, I want to hear What Spicy has to say.

I quickly opened Mail 1.
"am very certain of the fact that I would miss you if I knew u better...ur ...beautiful..gorgeous with a wit to match(i hope) if not outshine ur look. There's an old term that fits..and I hope u dont find it offensive..its meant as a compliment..."U'd be the best mind-fuc"!

I was furious. Just by stating It's meant as a compliment doesnt mean he can say whatever he wants and I'd be okay with it. I Dont care What Mail 2,3,4 etc have to say to me... I wanted to reply back quickly. And ofcourse it had to be something Witty. Anything less witty would just be a big slap on my ego.
So here is what I wrote : "by saying that i hope you dont find it offensive , doesnt make the statement any less offensive ! but I dont want to read between the lines ... thanks for the compliment !"

It was hardly anything witty, but in my rage I couldnt come up with anything witty. I sent it. World will stop rotating and revolving the day I find someone half as nice as my dream man - which will be NEVER. I refresh the page to get back to cousin Rupali's email when I see I have a mail from Spicy ! So offically he is a looser. Because he spends his time on Facebook !

Spicy : "Ah well its not supposed to be offensive and ur welocme ......so how u doing wat u up2?"

Spicy surely caught me on the right day, I had all the free time in the world to Gossip to this complete virtual Spicy stranger. I could have bored him to the end of time with I have chicken pox so dont mess with me... But who wants to hear the sad story behind the so called beautiful face Mr spicy has been writing to.

Me: " Nothing much. Just hanging by the moment. Summers setting in, it's groggy ! Feel like sleeping. What you upto?"

Spicy : "I'm waiting for the kind of love
That is strong enough
To walk through anything
So don't waste my time
So don't waste my time
I only wanna play for keeps
Wanna fall in deep
If you don't just say goodbye
Don't waste my time"

Spicy was poetic - a modern poet, who doesnt actually write things himself, just googles the right lyrics to fit into the right conversation. Not bad ! My Spicy finally added me as a friend. Till now, thanks to Facebook privacy measures didnt allow him to see my picture, friends notes etc and neither could I

A quick check into his profile revealed his actual profile. A real friend for old times sake was taking my case : ( Spicy went down the drain.

Spicy was this bespectacled genuis of my school. Aced all exams and participated in every other debate and science quiz competitions. Got home the trophy of the maths olympiad three times in a row, a record which still remains unbroken to this date. But Spicy was = sugary in school. How did Sugary turn Spicy !! What is wrong with the world. Perspectives change ! People change ! But sugary is a matter of character - how can that change.

Sugar and spice added me to msn then ! A bried what are you doing ? How is life revealed the following information.

Junior College = Mithibai
Degree College = Some Chef top school in Switzerland
Work stats = Hospitality manager for a chain of hotels in switzerland
Facial features is now = HOT n SPICY
Character still remains sugary towards me

Well, he had to go then. He was starting his shift ! But Mr sugar and spice did make me forget any grudge I held against Facebook ! It helped me find my old friend back !!!! But he promised to catch up tomorrow same time. Well, I was going to be in my bed, so now i was looking forward to a sugary and spicy afternoon chat date with my long lost school friend !!!!

The MSN window I fell in LOVE with

I have never really understood the reason why chat rooms existed. How people find their soul-mates over the internet, until I thought i found mine. A quick introduction by a common friend and I found myself waiting hours on end for a quick chat about life, philsophy and love. The days started with Good Mornings, the afternoons with, so what did you eat ? And nights, oh the nights were about inspirations, ambitions and past love lives.

The window i was staring at has a heart, has a mind and has an opinion. This is what I loved the most about it. So whether I was angry or I was sad, there was always someone who was there to listen to how I felt. And even better, the MSN window had a gender, it was a boy. When the question about perspectives came into the picture, I had mine at the click of a button- whether it was about what should I say to him? or how do you think he will react ! This msn window had a boy's perpectives.

But such happy arrangements never last long. And although I was increasingly looking at him as a prospective love target - he had everything I ever wanted in my man- Smart,Funny, Leadership material, sensitive (sometimes a little too much), increasingly ambitious, Caring, bald and a little tummie ---- He had one big flaw - he would never like me ! I was not his type. Now even though I have said this a little over a dozen times to other people, my medicine tasted BITTER to the R when tested on me. And this very feeling made him want MORE.

And the fact that I couldnt have him for some weird reason made me want him EVEN MORE ! Call me competitve, but this drove me to the bottom of my bottomless pit. The more I spoke to him, the more I felt as if I was drowning. I tried to hold onto a few things that came my way to strive to keep my head up, but everything as it seemed was dorwning with me. I was loosing my mind over the whole situatuion. And the worst feeling is to not talk about this to anyone - and act as if everything is hunky dory in your life when it isnt for God's Sake. I had to do something. But from when and where I realised it was too late. I said God's Sake to myself so many times, that somehow GOD actually heard me for MY SAKE and transported me to HELL - yes this is where I belong !!!

After having drowned in LOVE and gone to hell I realised it wasnt worth it - the whole I love him, but he doesn't even have an inkling frinking clue about it. In hell I met my past lovers --- PERFECTO !!!! ... most of whom were laughing loud like vampires - I wasn't surprised. I am being honest to GOD. Now, I am not boasting, but I did brake a dozen hearts uptil I was 20, when for the first time some guy from far far away broke my heart.

It was just about the same time when Rihanna first shot to fame with her song - UNFAITHFUL. And although I wasn't unfaithful, in many ways telling them lies about my whereabouts and what I was doing to avoid difficult conversations made me feel as if I were. I had and still to this date face the issue relating to Commitment. Those of my friends in LOVE - often tell me, when you come across the right person, these issues will never even cross my mind. But from where I was standing at at the moment I could sing along with Rihanna and actually feel every word of that song,
" I dont want to do this anymore
I dont want to be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I dont want to hurt him anymore
I dont want to take away his life
I dont want to be a murderer"

AND I was singing this in HELL... Now what did hell look like ? It was a small, very small room... with everyone who I never wanted to NOT have difficult conversations with, in it, with very tall, tall ceilings...The ceilings echoed. And I was singing loud. My voice filled the empty dome above. I was the entertainment special for that night. The room was filled with those dozen guys and my singing resonated ! The walls were closing in on me and I was scared... From somewhere GOD came to my rescue. He did his thing - of granting people of their 3 wishes. And I got my share in the nick of time.

He granted me 3 wishes...
I thought for a while, and I pronounced them unto him.

1. Oh GOD, Make my concience clear. I dont want to live in the world/ hell or heaven with the guilt of the past boy friends in me ! And althought it may seem as though I was wrong from my point of view - I swear to my living self in HELL, I never meant to do it purposefully and hurt them so much. If not you can send me to the HELL of HELL.

GOD : GRANTED my CHILD.

2. Oh GOD, I want everything stupid that I have ever done after having falling in love not follow me to my next life - My BAD KARMA should be erased and not haunt me.

GOD : Do some good karma, balance your life and I will erase it... For that I will send u back to the world. I was elated. Maybe this was the end of HELL for me... everything will be happily ever after. But wait a minute, why should I not just take advantage of the 3rd one. The greed in me took on.

3. Oh GOD, Please Never make me fall in LOVE again !!! And Erase my love for this MSN window out for good.

He smiled, looked at me and said
God : Child, that's not possible. It's only in your hands. GOSH ! If things were to be in my hands, I wouldnt be asking GOD for favours.... felt like screaming to god , DUHH

Anyway, by the time I would give it back to him, I found myself waiting for this window man who was comin to see me. It didnt help that he had a box of my favoirite choclates in his hand - FOR ME ? FOR ME !!!! Ok, maybe I loved the choclate more that time, than I think... lol.

But when he gave it to me, I think God did the 2nd part of my 3rd plea. I think magically he was able to wipe out the love for this now walking and talking live msn window in front of me. This was morning of my 1st day in the world with my new LIFE. DAY 1 passed without the slightest mention of him in my head or me feeling guilty having listened to Rihanna.

Towards the end of the night, when someone asked me, why do you have a box of choclates in your car, half open, and half finished, I realised I hadnt thought about the winbdow man. GOD was GREAT ! I logged into MSN, hoping to see him there. And he was there - I said to him, this was the first time any guy has given me choclates... and Pat came the reply, Oh ! how boring a boy friends you would have had.

This got me thinking. Maybe I was never worthy enough for gifts ? But oh no ! I did get a few gifts. But it was always about what they liked gifting. No one had put that thought into what I like being gifted. Not that the msn window thought either - it was just that morning we had spoken about chocolates and I happened to have mentioned my favorite ones !! I am not trying to disregard any gift or his gift ... all gifts made me so happy - for the joy of the gifting is in the surpirse and the thrill that comes with it. As I said, I had consumed half the big box of choclates against all will and conscience to keep away from fatty stuff (",)

But what I was thinking was will I never be worthy of someone's love? Cause I hope GOD has erased the gland that releases hormones that make u feel that you are in love, for good. Atleast right now I feel less vulnerable. Will never someone come and say I DO LOVE U D, ever? Time will tell... but yeh kambakht time hi nahi fast jata !!!

Valentine's of 2009 !

I've jus put on some night cream and I'm slowly creeping into my bed ! It's when you are alone that all those thoughts come swinging back into action, as if they were waiting jus around the corner to come get you, to blame you for what you have made of yourself. How I would love to agree with Christina Aguilera when she sings


"Falling in love again, never wanted to
What am i to do, i cant help it
Love always been my game, play it how i may
i was made that way, i cant help it "



The symptoms are familiar: the pull in the stomach, the tingling in the arms and lips, the fluttering in the lungs. To meet, to touch, to hold! The obsessive longing -- the wild bouts of fantasy! And then he called : "Do you want to go Dancing?" - Date : Valentine's Day of 2009 ! But this time round I was not 12, I was 22 .. You are hardly a teenager. Yet you feel like one. This is what the French call a coup de foudre -- a bolt of lightning -- out of the blue: BAM! And at your age! The intensity of a coup is matched by its mystery: Why do you fall in love when you do? It felt so spontaneous. Nothing too formal, Will you be my Valentine bullshit ! This is what attracted me. I always knew not everyone lived a Mills and Boons life !

I walked through the crowded bar, my eyes searching. The sex-ratio at that Bar was 1 girl : 5 guys... ! He was lost somewhere in the middle of all this chaos. On the far left i could see a girl make-out with her man. He ran his hand through her touseled hair... No I dont want to get lucky and be her, I was thinking more of how long would they have been together? One night, One month, One decade ? Does time define these acts of love? Anyway, I dashed against this guy and his drink is all over the bottom half of the dress. I just gave him that look and moved on. What was the point of having that conversation, I knew he would be sorry and i needed to focus here ! Not be in any bitter mood till atleast i get to him. He apologised, but I had left him 2 people behind. The bar tender was dishing out some pink mocktail. I made a mental note of it and thought I'll ask him for that one. I would need some drinks to handle his sarcasm somewhere into the night.

Moved another few people, almost squeezed between 2 chairs, GOSH i never thought i would have made my way through that. FOCUS i screamt in my head! What will he be wearing? His camel coloured shoes? I passed this beautiful girl in a red dress and black what looked like the ones i had seen in Nine West the other day. She was with a guy who was slowly trying to what looked like a move on her. But for a minute i thought i could read his mind, he wasn't sure about the whole thing.Then there I saw him, Oh no wait... that wasnt him. It was his Twim Brother ! The brother smiled the " Oh no ! its not me, you are actually looking for my brother look!" I was aghast... why is his brother there, i thought to myself?

Alright, his brother is his best friend, and frankly i didnt expect him to be there alone either. "Howdy!" , Black Shirt, Jeans, Closed shoes, Clean Shaven, Little bald just the way I like him to be and ofcourse a few pounds lighter than when I saw him last. He seemed to be on his 4th beer which was slowly dripping trinklets of water down from his bottle onto his unusually little hands. It was HOT in there, too many people for that little space. He smiled, I smiled back and then he said something, which I couldnt hear, for a minute I wanted everyone to shut up including Bob Sinclair singing World Hold On !! What a co-incidence... Thats the problem with these places. Little uncomfortable talking in his ear with his brother around hey!

If this was a part of a Bollywood movie then one would have expected fireworks to breakout of nowhere,just me and him and nothing else that can be heard, maybe some white smoke out of no-where. But this was reality. What would men in reality ask? Maybe he'd ask if I drove alone, was I going to drink something? Can he buy me a drink perhaps? Ok, maybe I was asking for too much? It was jus a plain simple do you want to go dancing question, if i expected a little less I wouldn't be so disappointed? It jus conincedentally happened to be Valentine's Day right? I dont need to think too much into this for once. But the girl in me took on. The same things that I had liked moments before getting into this bar-which was now making me extremely un-comfortable were now hurting me in the little places of my heart that i didnt know existed. And then he threw the bomb " Oh ! You did come, I thought you would have never come."

My world shattered with his sarcastic comment. So what, he didnt expect me to come? Did it not matter to him whether I was there or not? Did he ask him only for the heck of it? Even after knowing what I feel for him? Just that evening I had asked him," Will you be nice to me?" To which he had replied Ofcourse ! Obviously he didnt follow what he had jus promised. Did I just leave the comfort of the Singles Party i go to every year from the time I last broke up which was exactly 2 years ago for him, who just shrugged when i got there?? Do i deserve this treatment ? Am i not the lucky one who spends a Valentine's day with a Valentine? Is Valentine Day just another over-rated day. And for the first time in my life i actually understood the feeling of when I can say something was truly over-rated and I meant every word of it.

How i ran from there, and who i clung to for some help is all secondary. But thats the day when I realised Love is not something you can make happen and make do. And for as hard as i tried to change the words of destiny... he was not instore for me.
I could have cried myself to sleep or go to the next bar with my friends and move on with my life. The choices people make sometimes determines which turn life will take against destiny. And that is exactly what i did. I gathered all the little pieces of my shattered heart and time is healing them slowly but surely. Maybe he had an upper hand as it seemed that day, making me so vulenerable. It makes me angry that I led myself to believe, I expected him to show the kind of respect i gave him when he came out with my friends. But some people care little about what others feel, but its really not their fault. It's the fault of those who lead them to believe that what they said or did mattered. He had never shown the respect and never would when I think about it today.

So does this mean that there will always be one person who will be dominant in a relationship? Who will make the other one feel vulnerable? The answer to this question lies in the YING and YANG theory. One just needs to find the right person who will fit their puzzle of life to find a balance - where nothing of this will matter. Where it wont be important what he said, or what she says, or what he did and what she didnt do? I know of many a couple who have found their balance and I am sure I will find someone to strike a balance with me before the end of time.

The trouble with LOVE !

No matter how many shopping trips you make, or how many new hair-cuts that you get or how many glasses of Chardonnay that you drink, only time will bring back the little pieces of your shattered heart back together and will make you learn how to move on...

Love can be a many splendid thing
Has another joy you bring
A dozen roses
Diamond rings
Dreams for sale
And fairy tales

It'll make you hear a symphony
And you'll just want the world to see
But like a drunk that makes you blind
It'll fool you every time

The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie
Gets stronger then your pride

The trouble with love is
It doesn't care how fast you fall
And you can't refuse the call
See you've got no say at all

Now I was just a once a fool it's true
I played the game by all the rules
But now my world's a deeper blue
I'm sadder but I'm wiser too

I swore I'd never love again
I swore my heart would never mend
Said love wasn't worth the pain
But then I hear another HIM call my name
The trouble with love is
It can tear you up inside
Make your heart believe a lie

Every time I turn around
I think I've got it all
My heart keeps callin
Over and over again
This set story always ends the same
Me standin in the pouring rain
It seems no matter what I do
It tears my heart in two !!!!

Exchange Program

Exchange is about learning. It's not as simple as learning whatever it is that's taught in school, though. It's about learning how to listen, how to speak, how to think. Learning who you are, who your friends are, the type of people you want as friends. Learning how to trust your innermost feelings, and how to find those feelings in the first place. It's about learning what's really important to you, and learning what you really don't give a damn about.

Exchange is about how to tolerate, how to accept, how to like, and how to love. Learning how to give as well as to receive, and how to trust that everything will even itself out on it's own. It's about learning that your mom and dad do have the right answers sometimes, and that your kid sister isn't such a dumb little kid anymore. Exchange is about learning how to treat people as people, not as stereotypes. Learning that sometimes a kiss isn't just a kiss, sometimes it means more, sometimes it means less. Learning how to achieve, how to succeed, how to accomplish. It's about learning how to not come in first place and still be proud, and about coming in last and learning how to admit that you could have been better.

Exchange is about learning that large parties don't necessarily mean a good time. Learning that loneliness doesn't go away in a crowd, and that sometimes it's okay to be by yourself on a Friday or Saturday night. It's about learning that your lunch time crowd does not constitute your popularity, and that popularity is all a matter of perspective. It's about learning that boredom is simply laziness of the mind, and watching 3 hour of TV every night is not quality relaxation time. Exchange is about learning how to pack a bag and how to pack a room full of way too much stuff. It's about learning that people probably like you a whole lot more than they'll ever tell you, and that it's your responsibility to make sure your friends know how much you appreciate them.

It's about learning that simply doing what you're supposed to do isn't enough, you need to put forth twice that effort in order to fully grasp whatever it is that's sitting in front of you. It's about learning how to make people smile. Exchange is about learning how to miss people enough to not stick them in the past, and how to not miss them so much that it keeps you from moving into the future. Learning how to motivate yourself and how to motivate others. Learning what the phrase 'make do' means and how to use it to seem as if you're not simply 'making do'. It's about learning 25 different ways of saying 'we made out', and how to swear in all the different languages of all the other exchange students. Exchange is about learning.......LEARNING HOW TO LIVE!